Her candy

She looked down at her toes as if she was fascinated by them, like she had never looked at them properly before and they offered her a whole new world of exploration. Finally, after the coaxing power of her friends was exhausted, they ran off leaving her alone to look from afar.
He had come again today, as he always did, every weekend every month of the year. He had a bright blue bag out of which he extracted various colors of crisp, bright paper within which there were a myriad collection of candies. The candies had the most amazingly different flavors…musk melon, rose, cherry and lemon.
She closed her eyes. She knew the scene before her eyes without even looking at it. The children surrounding him, happy, squealing, their hands outstretched to gather the candy he had come again to distribute. Again.
She had wondered often why she didn’t join her friends when they went to acquire the candy. It was not like she didn’t want to taste them, to enjoy their sweet roundness lolling around in her mouth….so then what stopped her?
She didn’t know, couldn’t find the answer to the problem even after so much deliberation. Perhaps it was a prevailing shyness or a strange inhibition that told her that asking for something she wanted would be a mistake. She should wait for the thing to come to her. Was it an odd sense of pride??
She had seen him smiling at her often, a kind of invitation or a question in his eyes…She wondered if he would come and give her the candy after he was done with the others. He never came. She gradually got tired of waiting.
Now, she speculated if she was waiting for him anymore. She quietly limped back towards her house in the next street. Her prosthetic leg was giving her a little trouble that day.
A few weeks passed, when she wasn’t able to go and play outside on weekends because of a persistent cold that had left her weak. she thought of the candy man and his sweets as she walked towards the garden today. But today he didn’t show up…and she realized: She didn’t care for the candy any longer; perhaps she didn’t all along….
This thought gave her a calm feeling of liberation. She was free again.
She felt older, wiser….but she couldn’t pass up this opportunity to indulge in these outdoor games again. She yelled as one of her friends came up right behind her to catch her and she swiftly hobbled to her region of safety.
Her clear laughter rang through the garden. She was saved. Again.

Wonder when it all
Became so hard
To hide myself from myself
Used to do it pretty well before
And it gave me such bliss
Now I lie exposed
And sometimes
I don’t like what I see…

It's so easy

Things that are always easy to do...

Being angry about the tiniest of situations

Venting frustration on innocent bystanders

Talking in riddles that nobody understands

Thinking of escape in any form..all the time

Playing the blame game

But what's easy might not always be right...

So we need to think before we act.

Me?

If I was an object what would I be?
A clock, a yo-yo
Or a boat on the
endless sea....

you only find something

when you stop looking for it.

just a thought...

The Alter ego speaks....

Find solace in memories , it says
but it is so temporary and futile ,i say
It tells me:
don't go down that path again,
it will destroy you
I falter , I listen, I obey
It reasons to me:
give it time
and the hurt will go away
so I lie in wait
for my escape, my release.

Unbidden are the thoughts and vivid
are the pictures that haunt me
So carefully created, tenderly nurtured,
this trap within that deludes,
and tells me I am free……

Hurt

Raw, like the grazed inside
of a screaming throat
Frenzy , absolute consciousness
of everything, yet so numb
with violent dread..
Little explosions of pain
So protracted, so sharp
It makes slaves out of us
And we beg for mercy……

Mind warp

The human mind is a fascinating subject of study. It never ceases to amaze me. For one, I can never understand the fact that literally hundreds of thoughts, emotions and ideas can run through it simultaneously at the same instant. How is such multi functional activity possible??
We have so many levels of consciousness. Only sometimes we can control them and other times we can’t. For instance, I keep a problem at the back of my head when it is necessary to concentrate on something more significant. It’s not like the thought, that entity is forgotten, it is just that it rests beneath multiple layers of comparatively more pressing issues.
This is perhaps why we sometimes have dreams that are completely unrelated to our present day lives.
Whatever the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind might contain, I know I shall manage to stay in control till the time I know when and how to arrange my thoughts. Though this too requires me to know myself better and I hope I am heading in a direction which does precisely that for me...