Lets play the blame game

I set off
Glad to be free
Knowing sometime soon
I’d find me
And if I lost my way
I could go smile
In that secret happy place
That was all mine
But today I walk
With my feet so sore
As I realize that my place
Doesn’t exist anymore.

Sleepless

The memories grow hazy
In my mind’s crammed rear
As I lie on my bed
And watch the fake stars disappear
The doubts gnaw on everything
That I once held dear
Laughter seems a distant echo
Indifference is what I fear
Now I wait and I pray
For the dark clouds to clear…

Q and A

It means that it's marked with something bad..

That white paper boat..

That white paper boat
Crisp, new and proud
Left to sail in the waters
All by itself
One very rainy day
When everyone’s away..
Plop! A drop assailed it
As it moved onward
On this perilous voyage..
They looked on
Waiting for it to sink
But it dint
Shivering, cold and wet
It bore the storm bravely
And the next morning
The sun shone bright
Everything glistened
In the sunlight
But the boat now had
Nowhere left to go
So it waits for the day
When the wind would come
and blow it away
To unknown lands
Into unknown hands
So that they might
Smile again.

If you can't stand in place, you can't tell who's walking away
From who remains , who stays, who stays...
-Pity and fear ( Death cab for cutie)

Thoughts are so fickle,
And opinions change so fast
Amidst all the chaos
and painted facades
I hope friendships can last.
Learning to sustain in life
what matters to us most,
And knowing that some things
are best left unsaid;
As the melancholy monster
of an irreparable past,
sleeps peacefully in our head..

so here( i take the easy way out and post something i dug out from one of last year's notebooks :P )

2 months!!

Sheeesh!!haven't posted for 2 months!!
no, i've not lost my ability to think or express...was dain bramaged for a while though; and very lazy otherwise... :P

memory..

My pet.My best friend.I miss you, Pluto...

These lightless labyrinths of my mind

Lost all sense and respect of time

A single lucid thought is hard to find,

Confused, numb, or just blind??

liquor chocolates are my favorite thing in the world...
i just can't have enough of them
:D

oh and i saw the dark knight today(finally)
made me wonder..
which one is worse: evil for the sake of evil or evil for the sake of a reason(like money or revenge)?

and does having a justifiable reason lessen the intensity of the evil in any manner?
These random thoughts run through my head, here in India where bomb blast and riot stories have become stuff of Sunday morning breakfast conversations....
What is the world coming to?

‘’I think prime numbers are like life. They are very logical but you could never work out the rules, even if you spent all your time thinking about them.’’ –Christopher in ‘the curious incident of the dog in the night-time’ by Mark Haddon

Just had to put that up...i love the simplicity of language and complexity of thought that the book has in such good measure.

Back to square one??

some things change.some don't.
I feel weirdly homesick.But, i don't want to go back either...
I don't like the freshly painted hostel.My room doesn't seem mine right now.
it'll take a while to settle down again.And to be completely happy...
post - vacation blues?? maybe....

Holidays

Eating.Sleeping.(Gaining weight in the process).Reading.Watching sitcoms.Going to boring parties(for the food).Playing badminton.Chatting.Stumbling.Checking my deviant, FB,flickr and orkut accounts(twice a day)Clicking and editing pictures.Watching movies.
And yeah, blogging(not as often as i'd like to)
Holidays make me lazier than i already am....i'm glad that only 3 weeks are left before i see college again.(out of those, 2 are devoted to my guest, sanju:)..
so yaaaaaaay!!

Struggle

He swam towards her, swiftly, the adrenaline flowing in his veins; making him feel a state of existence that heightened all of his senses. His fluid motions seemed one with the waves that he silently cut across.

As the last shred of consciousness left her, giving her a fiercely-desired reprieve from an all-consuming terror, she saw him approach her.

Her eyes opened to the room that had come to be her living quarters for the past 3 months.
His house. Her house, her home, her prison?

She wondered when he would take her out on that boat again;to leave her in the deep waters to drown. She couldn’t swim. He knew that, like the hundreds of other things he knew about her. Remnants of an irreparable past….
This was the third time he had thrown her aboard, bound and tied, struggling in vain. But, somehow, the moment when her mortal fear of death turned to acceptance, when she gave up on life and resisted no more, he appeared out of nowhere to take her back to the mortal world.

He enjoyed it, she knew. Watching her dread, her hopelessness, her surrender to the inevitable. She wished she could curse him; call him a sadist in her head, at least. But she couldn’t.
It was his overpowering sense of indifference towards her, her, not the body that struggled in the water, which she could not understand…

****


He watched her, his hands clutching the cool, metal railing of his boat. His knuckles white, his face expressionless. She didn’t fight today. Her lithe body did not thrash against the rising water.
He noticed her eyes. They had something in them that he couldn’t completely fathom. Was it hope?Did she think he would come again and hold her half-conscious body as they inched closer to the boat? Maybe it was…

The knowledge of her look gave him a sense of defeat. Then slowly, he allowed himself a smile. Today, he wouldn’t go. Today he would wait till he saw her last breathe being snuffed out. He wouldn’t go; for the sake of that one moment, that one look in her eyes when she would realise that he wasn’t going to come to save her today. The eloquent look that would say everything that was ever said, or should have been said between them…

Today, he watched her die.

Our bad jokes society...:P

Mihir-Wheelspin:y did the 12th man take the coke to tendulkar even though harbhajan wanted it ?

me: ummm???? dunno

Mihir-Wheelspin: bcoz hes the opener !

me: woow 9technically he's not nemore) :P

Mihir-Wheelspin: he was when the joke was manufactured

me: yeah obviously : :D

how does an elephant get up a tree?

Mihir-Wheelspin: he climbs ?i was going thru ur blog

me: nopie...he sits on a sapling and waits for it to grow :P

Mihir-Wheelspin: and reading abt the this yrs memories

me: :P

Mihir-Wheelspin: as in the last years memories

me: yeah.....u and ur jokes :

heheeheeee

Mihir-Wheelspin: yeah... tht memory where u sat in the complab till 8.. the jokes were sad...was tht pointing towards me ???

me: yep...as sad as mine :P

Mihir-Wheelspin: hehehee... am honoured

me: heehee

Mihir-Wheelspin: seriously.. i dont get it

me: okay how does an elephant get down a tree?? get wat?

Mihir-Wheelspin: y dont these peopleenjoy 'sad' kokes as much as we do

me: they do ......but they think its too silly to laugh at them

Mihir-Wheelspin: WAT THE HELL

me: but i like laughing so.... :P

Mihir-Wheelspin: exactly.... these people must be sad who doesnt like laughing

me: doubly sad :(( types :D

Mihir-Wheelspin: i think we should step up our efforts

me: yeah....the world needs us

Mihir-Wheelspin: right... we must help them realise the true power of our jokes... help them develpo the taste

me: yup totally...and thts how we will take over the world :P

Mihir-Wheelspin: no.. we dont wanna do ht ttht

me: no? :

Mihir-Wheelspin: no.... we just make help them develop the taste.. then they start cracking jokes themselves and thts how we progress the cause

me: ahhhhkkiees thtsa a nobler way kudos to u

Mihir-Wheelspin: yeah

me: :P

Mihir-Wheelspin: thnx so ill strt.hers a stinker

me: a skunk? :D

Mihir-Wheelspin: an old lady died when she was 6 u decude

me: well the second she cud be nebody..... so it s a valid sentence just incomplte no joke :

Mihir-Wheelspin: it is how can an old lady die when shes sick

me: YIKES bravo!!!!!!!!!

applause

Mihir-Wheelspin: i mean when shes 6

me: i'm confused :

Mihir-Wheelspin: ok agsain an old lady dies when she was sick oh no no

an old lady dies when she was 6 yeah thts right

me: okay...i thot we wer talkin of sad jokes not brain damage : hehehehe

Mihir-Wheelspin: hehehe... i am just suggesting the level we must drop to !

a minute, an eternity

A moment, a minute an hour
Lost in time, gone forever
Never to return
What did we do?
How did we use it?
A rapidly dwindling resource
The most essential of them all
Is tolerance a virtue?
Who says good things have to wait?
‘Just accept what they say’
Why should I?
I will believe what I think is right
So what if it might be a mistake?
I’ll make that mistake
Or else I’ll never know..
Don’t want any questions unanswered
Or experiences left incomplete
And that’s how it will be.
Whatever life brings to me…

-for all those like me who think waiting is a colossal waste of time.Patience isn't exactly our cup of tea :D

'LOTR'ed...

My elvish name : Maranwë Ancalimë
My hobbit name : Melilot Knotwise
of Michel Delving
heheheh.....:D
(P.S -i love stumble!!!!)

Change

She peered down the bridge of her nose, through her faithful old spectacles that provided a slight cloudiness at the edges of her vision.
She wished she could hold the letter from her son in her hands, not read it on the computer screen. No, she realized, she didn’t want a print of the text that appeared in front of her on the screen, either.
She wanted his handwriting. His untidy chicken-scrawl that had made the task of reading his letters so wonderfully time consuming. The flow of ink, the way he stressed on the dots in the i's and j's and the bold off the mark slashes that cut through the t's.The careful folds of the paper, her awareness that he must have rest his hands on it, the way he must have held the pen in his hands when he sat down to write her a letter in his study… The intensity of these images was fading away, now there were no letters, just emails. She thought that she might be asking for too much, expecting hand written letters in this age of 2-min technology…but she missed keeping old letters next to her when she went to sleep , almost as if his presence was tangible in that singular piece of paper.
Count your blessings she told herself. At least he cared enough to send an email once in a while….thinking about the past and the happiness it had brought her would do no good.
Memories should always exist as entities meant to be treasured, not something that would bring resentment or grief to her present.
She smiled and reached for the ruled paper pad and her pen. She had a reply to write.

Atlas Shrugged

been reading Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand for the past couple of days.
It is a deeply philosophical book, has radical theories and challenges our notions about the world as we know it..
Think i'll put up a few great lines from the book soon....

Down memory lane..............

The wait ends today...well at least for me.There is so much excitement bubbling within , that my smile seems stuck on my face.I'm finally heading home.It has been a long year...full of ups and downs.
I can safely say that all of us had our good and bad times, and that we have grown , as people and as designers in this year.for some reason i cant stop reminiscing either.....and i realize that the number of happy memories far outnumber the bad ones...

Here are some of them that are very vivid, etched in my mind like photographs.I write them down in fear of losing them.....so that i can make them eternal..........
Sitting in pizza corner for my b'day treat-with all of you guys:D
(that was fun, though it burned a mighty hole in my pocket!)

Going to sinhagad and getting soaked to the skin.....then eating kulfi and freezing half to death!!!
-with shruti,disha,varsha,vidhya and aditi
(spl.mention :the awesome food-bhajiya,chaas,pithla and bhakri.....yum!!)

Watching harry potter and the order of the phoenix-with huffy and derrick
(and we were the first ppl. to go and see it , coz i simply could NOT wait!!)

Getting bitten by the damn irritating bed bugs in the bus to goa(kyoorius trip).....and scrathing myself insane.
( burn in hell you nasty blood-sucking monsters!!)

Sitting on the swing in the house in goa talking about tennis-with sherry
(go justine and federer!!:P)

The long walk on the calangute beach-with Richa
(the things we saw were…ummmmm…interesting?)

Walking in the rain on the lonavla highway-With jemma , maya, sherry,hafsah and prachi
(loved the pointlessness of it all!!!)

Sitting in the 2^nd floor comp lab for pranita maam’s assignment-with jemma and maya
(work mode!! But it was funsies :D )

The whole nazar na lage movie experience-with saurabh, sherry and maya
(remember the time we came up with the story? It was after India won the 20-20 WC….oh yaaaa…the whole match was crazy too!)

Eating breakfast of bread butter-with maya in the decembr hols
(yuuuuuuuuuuuuum ;P)

Laughing myself silly in the auto rickshaw when coming back from toons-with sanjyot(my laughing partner) ,maya, manav and jemma

Standing in the queues for the concerts, taking part in random competitions, eating the hostel 12 parathas and travelling in the local from kanjurmarg….all in mood-I 2007-with maya , manav and sherry
(mood I made me miss home a little less….thanks you guys for coming along. The year before was spent alone. And it wasn’t pleasant..)

Working for catch the train and falling asleep in the middle of the night on mrinalini’s lap-fundamental 2008
(aaaahhhh the fest times in college ..wish they would never end!)

Dance practice for auditions-pre fest 2008-with maya ,jemma ,shweta, teena, parita and nivi…(mauja is our song forever..!)

Siting in chopsticks after the announcement of the current core team-with sherry
( foodies forever! We will talk about food even when we are eating….;P

Doing the traffic signal project roaming around -with jemma
(yaaaaay! We came back in one piece and didn’t get lost too many times J

Reading maximum city in the shack in mulshi, alone with my music
( The proximity to such natural beauty makes a thinker out of me….if I’m not one already!!)

The dip in the lake in mulshi-with maya , hafsah, sanjyot, sherry
( ahhhhhh the madness of it all….)

The super slow walk back to the animation lab-with maya
( it’s evil I tell you…animation!)

Working on my flash site in the college comp lab after 8 o clock-with the whole pd gang ( the jokes were very sad and my music player battery ran out…ouch!!)

Visits to jeevraksha-with maya (here’s to a lot more of them in the future!!)

Walking the streets of viman nagar-with maya ,sanjyot and mrinalini (majorly)
(and never being able to catch a bus when we really wanted to!!!)

Working on the advertising project and laughing at our ignorance-with sanjyot
( didn’t turn out to be that bad did it now?...)

Sigh….i’m tired of typing and remembering now….

I’m sure when I put this up , tens of other memories will pop into my head which I will regret not including...guess I cant put a year full of madness in one post. Still this This was my second year...thanks to all of you guys made it wonderful for me.Oh yes.. and the obligatory-I'm sorry for all the times I might have been stupid...
I love all of you.
Cheers to two more eventful years ahead!!!!

I think

The loss of something that is neither needed nor desired, never becomes a matter of great concern.What you momentarily miss is a habit , only to be forgotton or cast away when other, better things come along to occupy your head.

It is the way of the world....

The Burial

She saw it all , trapped under the glass,

The solemn rites being performed

As mud came and obscured her vision

Took it away bit by bit....

Pushing her into total oblivion.

She saw her own face and hands

And the pain mingled with determination

That lined her entire frame

Just six feet above her,

She saw herself bury her alive......

'Whenever I am lost or in doubt,

I find retracing my steps is a wise place to begin........'

-Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Going back....

He stood underneath the shade of the massive banyan tree, the cool breeze ruffling his hair. A plethora of emotions assailed him all all at once. He was suddenly taken back 24 years to the time he was just a boy and little things seemed so important….

It was a lazy summer afternoon. Sleep was neither desired nor welcome .he tiptoed past his parents and climbed into the rickety, dusty old attic. It housed many treasures. Among other things there was an ancient termite infested wooden cupboard. It was always locked. That never deterred him. He had long ago found a key that fit the lock and could pry it open.

Today he rummaged through the bottom shelf of this treasure trove. He had found many objects here…objects he considered supremely valuable. A foldable metal box with 3 compartments, a huge yellow top, a wig of matted hair, hundreds of kinds of marbles and so on.
Whenever he found something new in the cupboard he took his ‘friend’ the watchman kaka of his building. Together they sat and constructed fantastic stories of the origins and worth of these objects. Imagination knew no bounds, the physical world dissolved and a world of dreams was threaded, nurtured.
When did it all end? He wonders…
Watchman kaka died of lung disease the following year. The year when his family decided to move out in search of a better place, a better life. everything was forgotten.
New friends, new hopes, new aspirations.
The times spent in the attic seemed so frivolous ,so silly…

But today he had returned. He opened his hands to see that he had been holding the rusty key in his hand all this time, feeling the metal against his thumb. He knew why he had come back. In all his life he had been running towards something, looking, wanting , a desperate race that he tried to compete in and win. He had only realised now that he could never win this because he was never at peace; that probably he didn’t want to either. The times of the cupboard were times of innocence; yet awareness existed and the bonds of relationships were so strong that they had pulled him back to this place so many years later. Relationships with people, with objects, with places.

A decision was made. He wanted to live in the place where he knew he had been happy once. A knot was dissolved in his chest; the leech that was sucking the life force out of him was thrown away.
He realised that he owed it to himself and the world to do this and after 24 years he was at peace. Again.

I thought I had succeeded,

But I have not,

So why do I feel happy,

Even though i've lost?

my crown

I will wear it
I will smile
You will never realize
That I hurt
I will not despair
I will go on
Even though the
Road I’m on
Leads to a place
I don’t recognize..
I am tired
I trudge along
But I will wear it
With a smile
My crown of thorns
A gift from you
For me, and it’s mine
To love and to hate
evermore….

Her candy

She looked down at her toes as if she was fascinated by them, like she had never looked at them properly before and they offered her a whole new world of exploration. Finally, after the coaxing power of her friends was exhausted, they ran off leaving her alone to look from afar.
He had come again today, as he always did, every weekend every month of the year. He had a bright blue bag out of which he extracted various colors of crisp, bright paper within which there were a myriad collection of candies. The candies had the most amazingly different flavors…musk melon, rose, cherry and lemon.
She closed her eyes. She knew the scene before her eyes without even looking at it. The children surrounding him, happy, squealing, their hands outstretched to gather the candy he had come again to distribute. Again.
She had wondered often why she didn’t join her friends when they went to acquire the candy. It was not like she didn’t want to taste them, to enjoy their sweet roundness lolling around in her mouth….so then what stopped her?
She didn’t know, couldn’t find the answer to the problem even after so much deliberation. Perhaps it was a prevailing shyness or a strange inhibition that told her that asking for something she wanted would be a mistake. She should wait for the thing to come to her. Was it an odd sense of pride??
She had seen him smiling at her often, a kind of invitation or a question in his eyes…She wondered if he would come and give her the candy after he was done with the others. He never came. She gradually got tired of waiting.
Now, she speculated if she was waiting for him anymore. She quietly limped back towards her house in the next street. Her prosthetic leg was giving her a little trouble that day.
A few weeks passed, when she wasn’t able to go and play outside on weekends because of a persistent cold that had left her weak. she thought of the candy man and his sweets as she walked towards the garden today. But today he didn’t show up…and she realized: She didn’t care for the candy any longer; perhaps she didn’t all along….
This thought gave her a calm feeling of liberation. She was free again.
She felt older, wiser….but she couldn’t pass up this opportunity to indulge in these outdoor games again. She yelled as one of her friends came up right behind her to catch her and she swiftly hobbled to her region of safety.
Her clear laughter rang through the garden. She was saved. Again.

Wonder when it all
Became so hard
To hide myself from myself
Used to do it pretty well before
And it gave me such bliss
Now I lie exposed
And sometimes
I don’t like what I see…

It's so easy

Things that are always easy to do...

Being angry about the tiniest of situations

Venting frustration on innocent bystanders

Talking in riddles that nobody understands

Thinking of escape in any form..all the time

Playing the blame game

But what's easy might not always be right...

So we need to think before we act.

Me?

If I was an object what would I be?
A clock, a yo-yo
Or a boat on the
endless sea....

you only find something

when you stop looking for it.

just a thought...

The Alter ego speaks....

Find solace in memories , it says
but it is so temporary and futile ,i say
It tells me:
don't go down that path again,
it will destroy you
I falter , I listen, I obey
It reasons to me:
give it time
and the hurt will go away
so I lie in wait
for my escape, my release.

Unbidden are the thoughts and vivid
are the pictures that haunt me
So carefully created, tenderly nurtured,
this trap within that deludes,
and tells me I am free……

Hurt

Raw, like the grazed inside
of a screaming throat
Frenzy , absolute consciousness
of everything, yet so numb
with violent dread..
Little explosions of pain
So protracted, so sharp
It makes slaves out of us
And we beg for mercy……

Mind warp

The human mind is a fascinating subject of study. It never ceases to amaze me. For one, I can never understand the fact that literally hundreds of thoughts, emotions and ideas can run through it simultaneously at the same instant. How is such multi functional activity possible??
We have so many levels of consciousness. Only sometimes we can control them and other times we can’t. For instance, I keep a problem at the back of my head when it is necessary to concentrate on something more significant. It’s not like the thought, that entity is forgotten, it is just that it rests beneath multiple layers of comparatively more pressing issues.
This is perhaps why we sometimes have dreams that are completely unrelated to our present day lives.
Whatever the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind might contain, I know I shall manage to stay in control till the time I know when and how to arrange my thoughts. Though this too requires me to know myself better and I hope I am heading in a direction which does precisely that for me...

Randomness.........

Sometimes I wonder if the overwhelming desire to do something worthwhile rules all our actions in life.

When I was younger, happiness was found lurking behind all corners, in the most insignificant of things....or maybe it was just that I needed no specific reason to be happy.I just was...Now, i want more from everything around and that has made me kind of forget the small pleasures in life.

Why did i just write this?? It might not be worthwhile....but who defines that term anyway??And why does it matter so much?

Sometimes, things should be done simply because you want to do them and there need not be any other reason for it.

So there.A blog entry about nothing in particular.Random thoughts.I felt like writing so i did.And i'll keep it that way now.